Hot Mess Hall of Fame: The Automobile Edition

Introducing the inaugural edition of SoJones’ Hot Mess Hall of Fame. We’ve scoured the planet far and wide to bring you the best of the worst examples of our fellow human beings’ attempts to upgrade either themselves or their material possessions… but instead resulting in a wholehearted, monumental FAIL.

This week’s edition is devoted to the automobile. More specifically, the hooptie. As defined by urbandictionary.com:

Hooptie (noun) hüp-ˈtē. Any car that meets the following: a) driver must enter car through passenger side b) three different brand and size tires – 3 of them missing hubcap c) exhaust is held up by half a clothes hanger – other half replaces the antenna d) backfires every three blocks – loudest backfire being when car is turned off e) must open door at drive-thrus as windows don’t roll down f) you only get one AM station and the tape deck eats all tapes inserted g)h) can’t open the glove box as the whole thing will fall out if you let go of steering wheel while driving you’ll make a u-turn i) must manually move blinker lever up and down as it no longer blinks on its own j) must keep one foot on brake and one on accelerator when at a complete stop k) has had the same temporary registration sticker in the window for the last 18 months l) has all the above issues but still has a $200 professional tint job

Sub-category: Custom Paint Jobs

These guys took the drive-thru a little too literally.

Cool Whip. Get it?

Another reason not to drink and drive… the bouncing will spill your beer.

This is what you do with your tax refund check? Seriously, a disgrace.

Ladies don’t feel left out, we got a Hello Kitty-mobile just for you. Imagine living across the street from the owner of this hot pink mess.

Hillbillies know how to represent in the hooptie category.

This is what happens when you let your cousin’s friend “who is sort of an artist and needs a fresh start” give your ride a custom paint job.

Retina-searing color theme aside, the gullwing doors on the Prius are actually pretty cool.

Sub-category: Security Systems

An oldie but a goodie. In case they aren’t deterred by either the alarm sticker or the fact that the car is worth $80, the padlock will definitely keep the thieves out.

Always remember to add 30 minutes to your commute time to allow for unshackling. (All this for a Volkswagen?)

Custom-made with genuine metal hinges and made from 100% reclaimed vintage pine. The security chain is a clever add-on: in case you want to see who is knocking but don’t want to open the door all the way.

A solution for when your little guy is worried about mini-dirtbags swiping his wheels.

Sub-category: Mods

Talk about thinking outside the box.  Why spend extra on AC when you can install your own?

Before you dismiss the outsized and clearly handmade spoiler as a joke, note that the car is an Acura Integra– the all-time favorite target of mod abuse.

The cartoon-sized spoiler and exhaust has the strange effect of making the car itself look smaller.

Supposedly this is a real jet engine. More likely the owner is compensating for a small… stick shift.